Three Clocks

“You love me too much, Mom,” Ava once said to me in a critical tone. She was annoyed that I was “fussing” over her. I replied, “That is one criticism I will proudly own, Ava.” While this wasn’t the response she was hoping for, I admit that I know what she is talking about. There are clocks ticking down on the precious time I have to be her mom. To love her, support her and parent her. So I may seem “too much” at times.

The first clock is common to most parents – a clock ticking down until she is an adult and leaves for college. She is a freshman in high school and I am very aware we have four short years until she graduates. Tick tock.

The second clock is less common. My ex-husband and I share custody of our daughter which means she is with me 50% of the time. I miss her terribly when she is not with me. And there is a sense of urgency to be present and love her during my time with her. I don’t want to change our parenting arrangement. She loves her dad and it’s best for her to spend that time with him every week. And honestly, I need the time to rest after being a single parent for my portion of the parenting calendar. But that doesn’t change the fact that I always have a sense that our time together is limited. Tick tock.

The third clock is even less common. That clock is counting down until I am admitted to the hospital to wait for a heart and we are separated for an unknown amount of time. This is hardest clock to come to terms with. We don’t know when I will be hospitalized or for how long. It’s difficult to prepare for the unknown. This clock doesn’t sound like the other two clocks. No rhythmic ticks or tocks because of the unknown and lack of schedule. It’s just a constant annoying buzzing that reminds me of what is to come. I’m really tired of this clock in my head.

And so I probably do love Ava too much with all of these clocks counting down in my head every day. I am confident Ava and I will figure it out when I am hospitalized and we will both be fine. I know that. But my mama heart wants to prepare both of us and store up lots of love and time together in preparation. My biggest wish is that all of this “too much” love will sustain her when I am not able to be there when she needs me. I’m not sure our hearts work like that but it’s the only thing I can do to prepare for the separation. So I’ll just keep loving her too much until we come out the other side.

I have another round of tests scheduled for the first week of November. I guess another clock is ticking down to that appointment and test results. I’ll keep you updated. Thanks for continuing this journey with me. ❤️