I saw this on Twitter the other day. I read it over and over again. I saved it to my phone so I could reread it. While this passage is not about illness, I imagine it resonates with people who live with chronic illness. When diagnosed with a chronic illness, you have to come to terms with new limitations and your own mortality. For me it was the first time I was told I needed a heart transplant in 2009. Fear becomes a very precise and clear point. It is a distinct shift that changes you. And you are never the same again. There is no judgement for going through this process. You aren’t better or worse for it. But you will always remember who you were before and who you were after.
I have been thinking about “the before and the after” with the new year approaching. Looking to 2023, I hope to have a new before/after — before and after transplant. I wonder what I will miss from this quiet, waiting period of my life. I know transplant will change me. So this is me speaking to the camera ahead of transplant. In a way, I am fearless about transplant. I don’t really know what I will need to endure. I don’t know who I will be on the other side. But I am hopeful there will be light and joy in the “new realm”, in addition to the new fear I will discover in the process.
As you look forward to 2023, please know you not alone if you are coming to terms with fear due to trauma, illness, or loss. Or if you are already forever changed on the other side. It’s hard. It’s beautiful. It’s dark. It’s light. It’s chaos. It’s peace. I say to you – and to myself often needing the reminder – that you can live, love and thrive there. And you are not alone.
Wishing you health, love and light in the new year.
Heart Sick 